Did you guys like part of my the 10 hardest lessons I learned from Heartbreak PART 1? Indeed I know that some of it might have been a bit hard. Heartbreak can be devastating. I don’t profess to have an “end all be all” way to deal with heartbreak… BUT what I do know is that I have been through a bunch of hard situations where I have learned to embraced the discomfort and jumpstart a whole bunch of heart surgery. It has been undoubtedly uncomfortable, but so certainly healing and revealing.
So, let’s just jump RIIIGHTTTT on into this second week of my best of the best learnings from over the years, shall we?
Showing HOW to love > being loved by someone
Our greatest desire should not TO be loved by someone but to show and learn HOW to love… as He first loved us. God shows us time and time again that He has FIRST LOVED US… “We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19… Which means our greatest desire to have and experience love has already been met, by HIM! HEYYOOO. All this means, that instead of looking to find “love” in relationship, we should be shifting our perspective to learn how to best love someone else. We can freely give what has been freely given to us through Christ, which is this beautiful gift of everlasting love.
Instead of going into relationship craving that love, I think going into a relationship with a heart full of love already and prepared to serve another is a beautiful, amazing, wise place to start your next relationship. Says the girl who kindaaaaa got wrapped in all sorts of love-y dove-y everything past relationships. 😉
God’s Glory is used through brokenness
I’ve just got to say this: Thinking you have to have it “all together” before dating someone is a touch unrealistic. Don’t get me wrong, it is great to be as whole and complete as possible BEFORE entering into relationship, but to expect to be FULLY “together” before dating is not all that likely. We are human, after all. And as humans we are constantly a work in progress. What I want to say though is this: God can and will use brokenness from your past and redeem it in and through your relationships…and also, through potential heartbreak, should that be the outcome.
In some of my relationships a LOT has come up from my past. This is honestly to be expected as relationships tend to bring up things that have been settled or untouched for years. You know, those things you think you have perfectly dealt with and put to bed that suddenly re-appear like the boogie man?! YUP! Those things. This has led to some harder and at times more uncomfortable situations. But you know what???? God used them to get me to a place of every DEEPER healing from those things, especially through heartbreak.
Oh, and if you just got out of a relationship right now and are feeling like a broken mess of many pieces scattered all over the floor, I just have to tell you that it’s been sooooo surreal and comforting to see how God has used my broken heart to not only heal me, but make me more into the woman He has called me to be. I believe that wholeheartedly is possibly for you as well! This hurt is not for nothing. You pain is not meaningless. The brokenness WILL be redeemed.
Idolizing Someone= Devaluing yourself (and God)
Are there days you believe you are unworthy? Do you have a tendency to speak or think negatively about yourself? Do you ever say if your relationship ended you’d be destroyed? Do you find that when you’re away from the other person, they are all you can think about? If the answer is yes to any or all of these questions, you mayyyy be on the path to idolizing someone else and devaluing yourself [and God!].
Here is the dealio, no man is ever perfect [and no woman is either]. So whenever I hear the words “he is just perfect” come out of someone’s mouth I start to get a touch worried. The person may blow your socks off. They might have many of the qualities you are looking for. They may treat you amazingly. But the real deal is this [and I’m sorry if this is hard to swallow], they are FAR from perfect. As humans we are BOUND to sin…. “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23. Thank the LORD for His amazing redeeming heart to love and forgive our sins through it all!!!
If you find after a relationship has ended that you are thinking thoughts of “I am not good enough” or “I must be unloveable” or “I’ll never get better“, there is a chance that you might have been placing a touch too much of your identity IN that person and thus idolizing them in the process. If that it is the case, don’t fret… you are not alone and you CAN mend that broken heart and replace the pain of unworthiness with good truths and solid love for yourself. See this as an opportunity to discover more about yourself, your worthiness, and your TRUE identity as it is called in Christ. Two amazing resources I recommend if this is something you are dealing with are 1) the book Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurt, and 2) the book The Perfect You: A Blueprint for Identity by Dr. Caroline Leaf. These two books helped mend my broken heart and also transformed the way I saw myself in my own mind.
Never, ever compare them to your Ex!
Ay yi yiiiiii, this one is hard, I know it’s true. It is especially difficult when you have been in a particularly unhealthy relationship in the past… THIS I KNOW! When we compare to our ex’s, though, we set up unfair expectations for the next person. Either in ways where they can never measure up, or in ways where anything they do seems noble in comparison. Most of the time, it is the latter and we tend to see our new “beau’s” in a light of pure amazingness in comparison to the last dude that broke your heart, or the guy years ago that didn’t truly love you. In any case, comparison in relationship can cause a slew of issues including: projecting past hurt onto them, making assumptions about them, creating unfair expectations, or seeing them in an overly idealized light that can be misleading.
Are you ready for the kicker? Instead of comparing your current man to an ex, I urge you to compare him to JESUS, the ultimate picture an example of godliness [Because who is more Godly than GOD in flesh, am I right?]
ALSO, just as a side note, just to drive this home further some best friends and I did powerful video cover of “Not my Ex” by Jesse J.
You won’t always have the answer to WHY
It’s SO hard, but the truth is that God does not promise to tell us exactly why suffering and pain happens. Something that truly set me free after my last relationship was holding onto THIS simple truth: Nothing gets in the way of God’s will for my life. I could have begged my ex to stay with me. We could have stayed together…yet nothing would have gotten in the way from it eventually ending. I could have maybe made some different choices along the way, sure, but nothing would have gotten in the way for God’s pre-destined outcome. God’s plans for us are good, but that doesn’t mean we will understand every aspect of them and the potential pain along the way.
Guess what?! Suffering was not originally built in God’s design because there was no suffering in the world BEFORE rebellion against God. In the New Testament we see so many wonderful promises about the future in which all of creation will be restored as Jesus WILL return to establish a new heaven and a new earth [See Revelation 21]. There is a future hope for redemption. There is a future hope in HEAVEN. There is a hope in experiencing the fullness of God in all of His joy and pleasures [Acts 2:25-28]
“For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16: 10-11
In conclusion, there is no point to focus on the WHY it happened. You will spiral into a downward abyss trying to understand something that God wants you to surrender. Instead, I encourage you to focus on the WHAT you are going to do to move forward remembering that YOU are not alone and that there is a future HOPE!
Friends, GUESS WHAT?! I want to give ONE last BONUS lesson, so I guess it is lesson 10.5, just because I feel SO VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS ONE.
Our selfish tendencies can cloud our judgement
This is not about what YOU want or what your partner wants, it is about what JESUS wants. Truly and completely. Relationship is not about selecting someone that you feel is your “ideal match”, this is about truly and completely discerning with the spirit, being in community and asking for sound wisdom from friends, and determining in essence who you want to be on mission with for the glory of the Lord. The question is not, “does this person make me feel amazing?”, but rather “Is my partnership with this person better together for the Kingdom than a part?”
Boom. Done. Mic Drop.
Wow, it has been such a joy to share my heart with you on this topic. My hope and prayer through these posts on my vulnerable learnings is to truly invite you into a story of redemption and healing as you navigate these waters of dating, love, and heartbreak. If there is one thing I have learned for certain it is that God loves us SO much and because of that hates seeing us go through heartbreak. But that doesn’t mean we can’t pick up our cross, seek ultimate healing, and move forward with a stronger love for ourselves and a sounder wisdom for our future.
Photos by Stef Marie